I have lost my vision

No, not my eyesight.

I have lost my vision in the sense that I feel as if I am floating in an endless sea, mindlessly drifting from one thing which comes my way to the other. I seem to have lost the bigger picture of my life and my career (can I say that? “career”. Do I have that? After all, I am just 20 and still in school, so, can I?). It seems to me as if I had had this vision once, as if I knew where I was going, what I was doing and what steps would follow. After all, I think I knew what I was doing when I chose to move abroad and when I chose living and studying in Amsterdam. But, somewhere on the road, after those moments, the picture got blurry, and eventually, I found myself not only not remembering what was my vision, but also not knowing what I want to do next.

I realized we have no direction or control whatsoever on our lives. Yes, this was news to me. I was somehow still believing in this deterministic ideal and it proved faulty. No wonder. I also became aware that whenever I seem to lose the faint grip I have on my storyline, I panic and I go into this desperate, hyperventilating mood in which I jump at all opportunities that arise, even though they seem wrong from the start. What’s more, I undervalue myself. And so I accept doing things which are not bringing enough into my life.

For the past months, I have been relying on inertia, achieving things out of what seems to me a lucky strike of coincidence and convergence of lines, people and hazard. And I know this is wrong. Because I am the only one behind my actions, the one who made them all possible. But I just can’t seem to enjoy it. I do a ten seconds celebratory dance and then I start wishing for more. Which is deeply toxic, if I am being allowed to point out the obvious.

I am in my very early twenties and I already had a career crisis. *eye roll I thought I had enough of fashion, publishing and social media work. *double-eye roll Although liking them, I felt trapped. I felt as if I had already seen my future: an unemployed self-employed contributing editor and social media assistant working here and there, earning just enough money to make a living. I am sorry. I am not deeming this lifestyle bad or inferior, it’s just not what I had imagined for myself. What have I imagined, you may ask? I don’t know. Maybe I was picturing myself already laying the foundation of my own business or already being financially independent. Guess the whole Self-Made legend got to me.

It may take me one more week or a few more months to get back at it, to see again how the dots connect with each other and how the decisions I have made so far lead me to my bigger picture, but for now, all I wish for is a pair of glasses that would show me what I should do next.

And I know this is not the typical story you read or want to read since it does not have a clear ending or an inspirational resolution, but I think it’s important to keep it real.

Yours,

Laura

*collage by yours truly